after a while.

I am home..for a while now.
Yes,i am as happy as i can be by just being in Taiping..
But inside i am really really worried, of my results n etc..n i had been thinking alot.
Does growing older make u think more? I think yes. Somehow, we aged we will become more serious eventho we don't want to,or most of the time we dun realize, but we do aged we do become more serious. I may be childish at times, be crazy at times, but the me now will know when to be serious n when not to be serious, although people might still think that i am un-serious.
Recently i realize something, that i am really impatience..
But everything in my life now is about patience,almost everything that is happening now requires me to be patience, which i have no choice of other than to be patience, maybe thats y i had been behaving really impatience when i drive,channeling everything to my driving..
 Of course i want to be a kid all my life, no worries, nothing..But we all know, we will grow older, from a baby to a toddler to a kid to a teen and den an adult n then grow old..As we grow our responsibilities grows as well..

After the storm, after the rain,there will be rainbow n sunlight..so does it mean after a crisis everything will be good again?

...

If i had to drive all day take that flight.

Across this ocean I'm coming home tonight.

-etyx-

the fifth of the eleventh month.

Today is the fifth of november..
Everything just fall into place nicely n perfectly ..
Thank you to all my great friends..


This year is a bit different, its the first time of ...n its all good =)
n i am really happy n thankful..
Semuanya bermakna istimewa..walaupun tetapi yang penting aku tahu la di hati...

21

hope n magic

Sunday as usual.But i think days that i hav no classes is the same to me as sundays.
No more class till next year, only exams to go..
four paper n holiday till semester starts again next year. i know i will enjoy my holiday eventhough by just sitting at home or walking around taiping.

i had been bloggin everyday for the past two days,kan. But all also bull shit, i actually duno what to blog but i log in to blogger n click new post just to want to blog la. But then when the thing is in front of me i got nothing to blog already, my life is not interesting n i duno,what else. But this fews days i think its the exam thing that is making me really good at bullshitting on my blog.

So i was thinking,How come people can blog everyday, everyday also got something to blog about, all those top blogger will blog once a days or at least a few days once they will not abandon their blog for like a week the most i think. N thats what they do, they blog blog n earn money, not little but alot.. So back to my thought, how come people can blog everyday? n my friend answered me, its like how u can sleep so much in a day? Like that la. Ohh,like that isit. but i actually sleep alot only when i m here. But when i m in Taiping i feel that sleeping is wasting my time, taking a nap in the afternoon is a NO NO no matter how tired i am, unless i really really cannot open my eyes till cannot walk faint n all la. I will utilized the time i have in taiping to the MAX, if people say gold is precious,time is gold. To me time in taiping is more more more precious than gold.

Yes its always about taiping n taiping n taiping. But time that had already pass will never come back. Whatever that had bypass will not come back, we cannot turn back time. That is why people always say let the past be the past, cause u really cannot do anything about it anymore, n future is the one that we r looking forward into. How i wish i can turn back time, n i would had make alot of decisions differently, n handle situations differently...how i wish, but time cannot turn back also nevermine, cause the really important n meaningful thing in my life.. i had already knew whatever it is, and i had already got whatever i want, and its all a lesson not only a lesson but its really something that make me truly realise...Expect the unexpected.. I never ever thought that all of that would turn out the way it is now. N never ever thought that,all of i found out latter is what actually happen n not what i had been believing all along.

I had already given up hope, to me all that had happen was meant to be i cannot do anything more, just accept whatever that had happened, i feel too stupid too dumb n i dun even have the courage to have hope anymore, i kept telling myself not to hope, no matter how much my heart wants to hope that, all is not true, and its all just a bad bad dream. i force myself to not even have a lil eensy weensy bit of hope,n i just push everything aside n just live everday n just let time make me get used to it,n i had given up hope..
But but but at the end, when i least expected, its when all the magic happens =)
a miracle that i thought will never happen..n it did, i found miracle..i am thankfull really..

Betapa ezen rasa syukurnya, hanya tuhan tahu..Betapa bahagianya hati ezen, hanya tuhan tahu.. Semuanya tidak dapat diluahkan dalam kata kata..Semuanya terlalu indah, cuma orang orang yang bertuah akan merasainya..

Dulu dan Kini

ezen hidup lagi.
masih boleh blog.
hari ini tidur lambat,n tidur tidak berapa lena banyak gangguan, bangun den buka computer online.den bercadang to tidur balik cos really tired, badan sakit.sudah tua.
Then bangun n mandi, n pergi dinner.N lepas dinner kini ada di e-lab.tiada study tapi online.
Dan sekarang sedikit kelaparan.

Ini aku tidak payah cakap sudah,satu dunia tahu betapa tidak sabarnya tanezen hendak balik ke kampungnya, satu tempat yang sangat ezen suka,cinta,sayang..sangat2,mati pun mahu di situ,kalau mati di tempat lain pun mahu dibawa ke tempat itu dan disemadi di Taiping. sampai sebegitula sayangnya ezen kat taiping, n di hati ezen begitu istimewala taiping pada ezen.
ezen sendiri pun tidak pasti apa yang di taiping yang membuatkan ezen begitu mencintai taiping, cos banyak yang lepas tinggal taiping tak nak balik tapi ada juga kawan2 yang seperti ezen amat menyukai dan menyintai taiping ini. Mungkin di situla tempat ezen membesar,dan di situla adanya memori memori dan kenangan2 indah untuk ezen. Tapi mungkin juga sebab hidup yang cukup simple tetapi ezen rasa sempurna di taiping, semuanya dekat nak ke mana senang aja, lima minit sampai, or park kereta di rumah nenek dan jalan jalan bandar taiping.

Masa kecil, takla kecik sangat tapi masa sudah tahu berbasikal nenek yang roda besar besar itu, ezen memang gemar berbasikal basikal antik itu mengelilingi bandar taiping.bes.orang gelak tapi ezen muka tebal jadi ok la..tapi memang bes,perasaan itu sungguh bess.n adanya rumah nenek yang dekat di tengah2 bandar n dekat dengan segalanya dan juga dekat dengan sekolah memang menyenangkan. Pernah beberapa kali ezen jalan kaki dari sekolah ke rumah nenek,kerana ezen telah dilupakan oleh mada ezen, tetapi itu perkara biasa dan ezen tidak menyalahkan mada. Kerana dia lupa ezenla, ezen ada pengalaman bes jalan kaki dari sekolah ke rumah nenek. Ketika berjalan kaki itu ezen dengan uniform sekolah akan bawa beg sekolah fail hijau n buku di tangan dan berjalan lalu tempat2 busy taiping, melalui the store supermarket dan kedai kedai baju,kasut,suratkhabar kain, dan juga melalui tempat makan cashier market dan juga pasar.Tempat yang memang ada ramai orang.

Masa ezen jalan2 itu, ezen rasa tenang, jalan jalan sorang sorang, tetapi ezen sedar akan keadaan sekeliling, n orang orang yang ada di jalan itu macam ada yang terpandang ezen pelik, dalam otak ezen mungkin mereka terfikir ai,budak ini jalan2 dengan uniform sekolah mesti budak ponteng, or mungkin ada yang hairan kenapa budak ini jalan2 kat sini,sorang sorang pula, n ada yang mungkin tak endah langsung, or ada yang kesiankan budak ini,jalan2 sorang beruniform sekolah n bawa beg sekolah lagi.Ini adalah antara benda2 yang ezen tafsirkan dari memerhatikan orang2 yang pandang ezen semacam or yang tidak kisah langsung or tak sedar.

Dan kini ezen sudah besar, sudah pun habis sekolah hampir empat tahun. Dan ezen masih selalu mengenang kembali zaman2 bersekolah, masa2 itu la paling senang paling best,tiada kerisauan, otak pun seperti sekeping kertas putih aja,tenang tiada pape,tiada serabut, ada pun risau hal belajar je, Itu pun kalau markah exam pass sudah cukup memadai untuk ezen. Jadi risau pun bukan macam sekarang. Dan semuanya di jaga dengan rapi, makan tak payah risau.
Cukup masa makanan sudah ada di hidangkan. Baju2 pula sudahpun siap dibasuh dan diseterika,ezen cuma perlu campakkan baju2 kotor dalam laundry basket. Memang senang hidup masa itu.Semuanya tidak perlu dirisau.

Tetapi manusia bila semakin membesar akan bertambah tanggungjawabnya, dan juga perlu berdikari, ezen bukan complain. Ezen cuma hendak kata ini memang perjalanan hidup, lumrah hidup, setiap insan tidak akan dapat lari dari liku2 perjalanan hidup, n tanggungjawab. Dan ezen kini tengah menyedari satu per satu tanggungjawab yang ezen sudah perlu memikul. Semua benda akan berubah, tiada benda yang akan stay put macam itu selama2nya,actually ada kasih sayang tidak akan berubah. Tetapi setiap orang dalam proses pembesaran akan berubah,tiada orang yang akan seperti itu selamanya. Even ezen pun dah ada berubah,walaupun tak drastic tapi sedikit sebanyak memang ada. Inila proses tumbesaran manusia dari segi mental ya.

Hari ini ezen cuma rasa hendak blog dalam bm ya, tapi bm ezen ini masih broken.haha.tidak apa.ezen akan majukan bm ezen..

etyx

dunowhatisthis

I dont know what i feel.I dont know what is goin on. I dont know what to do. I am lost. But there is one thing that i know i should do,which is to study. But i didnt.

Question marks in my head until kepala pusing. Heart beating fast slow fast slow. omg,what is happening?Tanezen go to sleep,tanezen go to hell,tanezen go study,tanezen go to heaven. so pick tanezen where u wan to go? tanezen wan to go to somewhere that her hearts wan to go. Saat saat genting beginila semuanya tengah terjadi ya?But i know i have to accept everything as it is,no matter what comes. all the tests given. all the liku liku hidup. all the lumrah hidup. semuanya harus diterima dengan tiada soal. Tetapi hati ini banyak tanda tanya??? tengok ada tiga sudah tapi di dalam hati sebenarnya ada berjuta juta bergazillion gazillion.. Hati kena positifkan minda dan jangan berfikir2. kesimpulannya tanezen kena kuat. Aku sudah tiada apa hendak merepek. jadi dah dah dah ... semoga aku hidup lagi esok.

ezenTanyx pada 30.0ct.09...

=(

???

If you wanna cry, Cry on my shoulder.

If you need someone who cares for you.

If your feeling sad, your heart gets colder.

When the nights are getting cold and blue.

When the days are getting hard for you.

I will always stay by your side.

I promise you, I'll never hide..

oneforty

The nearer it gets, the more impatient i get.

Three Two One n ZERO =)

I just want to get over everything,n make sure i pass n done!

~I want nobody nobody but u *clap2 i want nobody nobody but u *clap2,

i want nobody nobody nobody nobody.....

That song is now stuck in my head.

question mark?

Yesterday was not a long day after all.

It was only long the few hours, but after that everything is okay.

Three more ++ weeks to go, and during these time i must not play must not fool around i must FOCUS.

Nothing is easy in life. It will only be easy when u are so good at it, when u are a master at it,

but to be good alot of practice is needed.

Life here is the same, just one straight line.

Go to class, finish class go home, go online, sleep.

Weekends will be different, cause its either sleep sleeep sleeeep or go out sleep online or sleep online. Looks like i don't have a life rite? But thats my life here. At least when i m here my life is like that.

and i know my blog is dead, but what to do i am like that so blog also like dat. I m not an interesting person, i m more to a complicated person, very the complicated.

Somehow sometimes i may have interesting thoughts, only sometimes.

Actually my life is not a straight line, its not that neutral.

Duno what is this.

focus

How i wish i can just concentrate on studying n stop my thinkings.

I think too much, just too much, for Now i need to Focus on Studying and after finishing exams i can have all the time in the world to think on whatever that is in my head, now i need to FOCUS, i need to put myself together n not think be MINDFUL n just FOCUS on my studies..

even if not for my studies,i still have to stop thinking..n stop being desperate..

Today is going to be a long day..it will be for me..

=(

real deal?

come lets talk real life, the real deal.

The real deal in life is reality,rite?

so lets talk reality.

The reality is everyone grows up,and work,get married settle down have kids, do whatever people do, grow old, die. That is what happen in a normal life cycle, for most of us.

But i don't want this kind of life can?

I am already almost at a quarter of the normal life, i m at the part where i m on my way to get my degree and hopefully i will. but can everything normal stop here, i wan an exciting life after this, i dun wan to work, den get married, settle down have kids and take care of them n bla bla bla the usual stuff...i dont want my life to b like dat.

i want something different, i dont wan to work, or if i work i wan a work that i really really like, that i will b getting up n getting ready everyday excited to go to work, looking forward to everyday, doing something i have a passion for, just having a drink n bbq stall by the beach will make me happy, sitting around the stall everyday, suka suka go jump into the sea n swim swim swim..suka suka just baring n sleep on the beach..

n i also dun wan to b tied down, i wanna b free, like a bird, can just fly fly fly with no hala tuju also nevermine, as long as i am syok..

No commitment, no responsibility, just me being what i want to be..

Doing what i want to do, living life everyday like how i want to live that day.

for eg, today i want to be around town n tomorrow i want to leave to an island and the next day i will b home doing nothing, and then i just do what ever i want to la.

I can b ezen today and tomorrow i will b espanyol, and the next day i might b ezen again or mayb not.

n i don't wan to die of a sickness or of old age..

I know, think of life like this nonit think of money meh, yes i know i also need money..mayb work work work like shit n keep money n quit for a year den do the same thing again??

deal no deal?

I am not a risk taker in certain things,that is.
Even if i m assured that the risk is worth taking, but i still somehow doubt or think twice or sometimes think n then won't take the risk..
Its too risky, n i don't want to lose..i cannot take it anymore i know,i might die or if i didnt den the rest of my life will b meaningless.

anugerah hidup lebih bermakna dgn adanya kehadiran elemen kebahagiaan, tetapi jika tiada kebahagiaan, hidup tiada begitu bermakna or mungkin langsung tidak bermakna.

selamat hari raya.

...

something happen yesterday.

what is goin to happen?

What will happen to me in the future?

What will i do when i graduate, i thought i had that all in my mind,all the plans made by myself when i was thinking thinking,but today suddenly it hit me that will i really really follow what that i had planned for myself?

Will i continue masters? or i will actually just start working?

Start working, means supporting myself, earning money and feeding myself n all. I know everyone will have to start working someday n start supporting ourselves, we wont be dependent on our parent for the whole of our life, theres one point where we finally need to be independent, n all of that is coming in one year plus plus time?? whoah,thats big for me. But i know when that day comes, i will learn to value money more, and dun simply spend. Its not that now i don't value, its just when we can just ask for money n we would get it without need to do anything, we are still in the comfort zone, we know some how we will get it by just asking. its easy,just ask from our parents. There is this saying 'there is no such thing as free lunch', i truly agree with that, n i learn that from a camp i went after finishing form 5. yes, the only thing that i learned from that camp that i remember till today n will for the rest of my life is there is no such thing as free lunch. That camp is not all about that, n they didn't specifically tell us about that, it is just what i myself found out when i was there. But there are free lunches only from our parents. Their hard earned money are used supporting us, feed us, sending us to school n etc.. n one of the reasons parents work so hard are for their kids, n they hope nothing in return. N education nowadays are really expensive, kinder garden also damn expensive and canggih already, small small also go tuition d. n tuitions is like a must, n its also expensive. nowadays,after form five, almost everyone is getting a degree. So soon degree will b compulsory, like nothing already, everyone on the streets have a degree, n so people will have to do masters. n phd n the list continues..

Seriously i don't know what will i do after i graduate,work?masters?

anyhow,nevermine cos this is my now, so see how, just follow the flow.

oh,n yesterday my friend told me that the world is going to end in 2012 what month what day i forgot already. the first thing dat came up to my mind was, yorrr,den study so hard for degree for wat ma all wasted,ceh..so whatever it is i will live everyday to the fullest, cos i might just sleep n never wake up, or cross the road when i was walking to uni n got hit by a bus or car or motorbike n just never get to c the world again, or slipped n fall on the bathroom n hit my head n just die of internal bleeding in the brain, or heart attack den heart die, or alot more la..so so so don't have to really really think of the future,think abit bit enough d.

In conclusion, i am actually quite comfortable in where i am now, so just continue to be when i can right? n there is no need to make my self uncomfortable in the comfort zone. =)

n for all of that,i can continue being in the comfort zone, thanks to my papa n mami lo.

i hope that everything will be okay for you soon.very soon.

i dont know what to say n duno what to do.

but i always n always will b there if you need me.

etyx

dealova

omg.pure coincidence just happen.oh,not coincidence more like a pinch of miracle??

secubit keajaiban??

dealova

we live,we move on

n even if we dont,life goes on.n so we just have to follow n go on.

whether we move on anot,our life goes on.therefore we might still b stuck in that same exact spot, its either we r reluctant to move or we want to move but we just couldnt, n in this case some of us might just lie to ourselves and people around us that yes,i've move on.there is nothing that is going to make me stuck,cos i let go. moved on,and just pretend as if everything is okay,our life is back to normal n we r good. But deep down in our heart,we know we are not okay not good still stuck,n we know we could lie to everyone around us but not ourselves. No matter how hard u try, deep down inside u know,u're still stuck there. The more u lie, the worse it would get. Sometime we thought,oh i am good i am ok,but after a while the same thing will come again agree? cause its just a lie,that we made to make ourselves feel better but it would get worse.

Even for those that really moved on,we might stop once in a while n turn back to look at the spot that we moved from,and remisnice about things back then.so no matter what.life goes on.

we just have to live with it, bare with it, if u're lucky u will b save from the spot by that someone,to me this is not about luckiness or wat so ever, its all about:

miracle.keajaiban.destiny.takdir.

kebahagiaan.

If its yours it will be yours no matter what happen,no matter how far apart, no matter how long it takes, no matter how imposible it is.

If its not yours no matter how hard u try, no matter how near u are, no matter how fast it takes, no matter how possile it is,it wont be yours. Eventhough u thought that u got it,somehow someway something will happen n gone no more..

I don't think we could ever move on,what that actually happen is we get used to it,we get use of not having what we use to have n we thought we move on, but still of course we always turn back n think n be in that spot again.

MB

Today is Wednesday,n i am done with my Master Budget, Submitted in class at 10.30 today.

The feeling of satisfaction after u finished a big assignment, is good, but if i get a good grade for it the feeling would be awesomely Great. So, let's hope for the best..

Budgeting is really a lot of work, for the past few days i have been thinking about budgeting, day n night, shine or rain, cold or hot. When i am awake i m budgeting, when i m sleeping i dreamt of the Master Budget, see see how much this master budget impacted my life. I had been only staying in my room for the past few days till i finish it, and i would want to say i actually loved it because i finished it.

N tomorrow aku ada test.Haven't start studying yet cause i was busy budgeting.

I think it is actually good to keep a blog, and blog about what u did n this n that about ur life, cause someday or one year or any time la after dat same exact date or just randomly when u r browsing what u had blogged about, u will found a few things that would amazed you. ur thoughts, n all, u might have the same thought on that very same day or same month or same period one year or two years after that, and u might also find out that another person actually had the same thought as what u had like one year after?that feeling is really nice..i just feel nice discovering all that. ok,but for some things i really felt awesome and those are what that made me feel super nice,and u know that this is not an coincidence.bukan kebetulan tetapi..more like Oh My God,its just takdir.destiny. and that equals keBAHAGIAan.

There is this song that i had been listening to over n over n over again,n i repeat i actually repeated that song on my comp on the mp3 player n i think will i ever be bored of this song..suara dengarkanlah aku apa khabarnya pujaan hati ku,aku di sini menunggunya masih berharap di dalam hatinya,suara dengarkanla aku apakah selalu di hatinya aku di sini menunggunya masih berharap di dalam hatinya..suara dengarkanla aku...

Ok from what i had said in the above about how i discover things from my blog,i would make a decision that when anything significant or anything i think i would want to know in the future i would record it here at zen-zen.blogspot.com. Think of this, what will u feel when u are old and all that u r reading ur blog, n u goes wah,rupa2nya aku dulu pernah fikir itu?buat itu?buat ini? omg my thoughts are like that?..i wonder n wonder n i will know when i m old n reading my blog.

I have something to say on Wednesday.

C U T I

aku akan berbahasa malaysia.
kerana dalam pos ini aku ingin menceritakn cuti yang di habiskan di utara malaysia.
aku sampai di taiping pada 21 jun dan semuanya bermula dari hari itu..
22 jun adalah hari yang bermakna untuk aku dan kawanku ejane,tetapi maknanya bukan sama untuk kami berdua tetapi tujuannya sama..
Dan aku juga menghabiskan sebahagian dari cuti ku di Pulau Pinang dan juga mainland.
aktiviti2 di Taiping adalah seperti berikut :
pagi akan dilalui dengan bersarapan pagi, dan kemudiannya ke sekolah untuk mengambil adikku.
Dan dalam satu hari itu,akan ada masa yang kami beronda-ronda taiping sambil meronda2 taiping.
Dan malam ini paling penting ya,siang malam adalah tempat feveret kami,dan kami juga kerap ke the gate..
Masa memang berlalu dengan amat cepat apabila dilalui dengan gembiranya, sekelip mata sahaja cuti telahpun habis dan aku kini sudahpun berada di tanah A selama sebulan..

Dan aku kini amat rindu taiping amat rindu rumahku d taiping amat rindu segala galanya...
Amat Rindu ...
Tetapi apakan daya, buat masa ini aku cuma mampu bersabar...

uni starts.

I am in Perth,n i miss Taiping but still life goes on,n i hope go faster please.
I cannot be depressed, i must live life here.
Semester number two started,assignments,presentations,midterms,tests,n finals.
I can't wait to finish FINALs..yes i can't wait even before learning n studying n i m only in week 2 of semester number 2.
N the reason is because...

i m leaving again..soon.
:(

can one person determine how and what u are?

yes..of course.
but still its all up to u,and what u want to be, either u want to be what that person wants u to be, or just trying to be what that person want u to be, or just u being what u think u are according to that person without that person knowing in other words syok sendiri.

Its either u are controlled by that one person to be what he or she wants u to be, or u willingly being what he or she wants u to be or u being what he or she wants u to be without he or she knowing, its just u being what u want to be inspired by that one person..

Whatever it is, i think being how and what u are inspired by that one person doesnt mean u live ur life determined by that one person or u have no life what so ever, because if that is what u want to be so why not.

Living a life inspired by that one person can somehow be living life meaningfully..

but then,that one person can live with or without u,but u cannot live without that one person.

sometimes things just don't go the way u want it to be..

is everything going down from this point onwards?

down down down,n not gonna go up ever again??

then all of this just proves that nothing is forever..

accept everything n just let go.

I am finally back home..
The days that i have been waiting for since going there had finally come, and i m living the days...
n 22nd happened..siri pertama ekspidisi bahagia..
=)

oh.god.

I know this is too much from me,but i SERIOUSLY cannot wait for exams to be over n GO HOME.

I can't wait for the moment i can finally take out my big bag n start packing,can wait for the moment when i hop home n c SS n shout to SS that i FINISH MY EXAMS ALREADY!!!!seriously seriously cannot wait anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yohhhhhh...

i m going to burst soon,real soon..i must learn to calm down,n STUDYYY!!!

OH MY GOD..
i seriously cannot WAIT anymore!!!
twelve more days is like FOREVER...
just be fast time, be fast..exam be over fast..n i WANT TO FLY BACK HOME..
I want to GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

june is here but

Its JUNE, but the day is not here yet...
n now its so near yet so far..
maybe i m too tired from the excitement, and with all the exams coming before the day.
the day i have been waiting since i land.
Its not that i am not excited anymore, i am still excited and i m sure i will be super excited when the day comes,but maybe for the time being its just too much.
But don't hope for too much.

I've been having this mixed feelings recently, i don't know what it is.
I m too numb to even know what feeling am i having.
I have been sleeping too much.
Half of year had passed,n c how time flies.
But yet, another three weeks is like forever..omg..
Half a year, six months, about twenty four months or more had passed but another three weeks till the day is like forever...
or is it just me?

I can't wait..
can't wait..
cannot wait..
cannot wait, for exams to b over.
cannot wait to go home..
Omg Omg Omg..
Theres so many things on my mind right now.

3113

Its raining...
Its cold...
n i better get to sleep and wake up early and do some work.

everybody needs a little time away...
from each other..
far away from each other..
hold me now..
its hard to say i m sorry..
i just want you to stay..
After all that we've been through..
I will make it up to u,i promise you..
After all that had been said and done..
You're just the part of me that i can't let go..

*So random n so happen that i was listening to this song.

tired.

I m tired of thinking..
My thoughts is tiring me.
Tired of creating an issue for myself to think n think n think..
Thinking consume a lot of energy,i m exhausted but still i cannot sleep.
When i go to bed at nite,no matter how tired my brain is,it takes me a while to fall asleep.
Its no more like last time,when i just see my bed n drop dead,i slept like a log..
The thinking continues till i sleep,the thinking is now bothering my sleep..
I am mentally tired,really tired..
I just want to put a stop to all the thinking, but i cannot.
I keep on telling myself not to think anymore, but the thoughts keeep on coming, keep on pouring into my brain till its flooded with thoughts that i made myself to think when,its like i do not want to think anymore,i m tired but i cannot control my thoughts n i kept on thinking n then telling myself that i am really tired n i really need to stop all this.Put a FULL STOP to all of this.

Count how many tired i used in this,n u will know how really TIRED am i to all this,but i keep on thinking..

monday morning

I was very hyper yesterday,n now i feel like shit..
I can feel that heavy stone on my chest again...what is happening?
I hope not again...

Will i be able to let go?
Its a lie if i say i can or i dunno,cause deep down inside i know i can't.
Letting go is the hardest thing for me, n i duno you or her or him or she or he, but for me i think i rather die then to let go..
But still one day i will have to learn to let go as it is a part of life.
Letting go of everything is hard to me...
Letting go of things i had in possession before, n that is why i have alot of rubbish in my room.
Even stationery is hard for me to throw, n thus i have alot of pens pencils laying around.
Even letting go of a place that i have stay for a few days n when i had to leave it would be hard for me,depends on where la,since young i m like that.
Letting go of incidents that occurred, about that i m a person that can just live in beautiful memory of the past,but of course there are bitter ones that i do not want to think of. But not everything in life is beautiful.
The hardest was of course to be letting go of a person.
The more i m attached to a person, the harder it would be,that is just common sense.
Even i m a bit attached to a person,it would be hard for me.
This is the hardest thing on earth to do man, will take forever for me to finally let go or when i die?

nothing else.

Today is 11/5.
One month plus n i will b on my way flying home..home..home..
N of course i can't wait..i can't wait to meet everyone back home..
Can't wait for the foods and of course can't wait for ekspidisi bahagia!!!
I just want to get everything over n finish with this semester, pack n go back home!!!

wee........

miracle

I found miracle.
I blogged about miracle before here.
After one year i m going to do this again.
I of course believe in miracle, and miracle happened.
Like the lyrics of the songs say, when you believe there is miracle..although hope is frail,you will achieve when you believe..
Yes,i believe in miracle,
But this is all so unexpected to me,and its miracle.keajaiban.
All in all,i am very thankful n happy that i found miracle.

Pesanan

Sumber kebahagiaan ku,

Terima Kasih kerana terlalu membahagiakan hidup aku.
=)

something that put a smile on my face.

Its raining.
and i am just sitting in my room looking at the window..looking at the rain..
Its raining,its raining..I found out something about the rain last week, something that made me smile =)

=)

I drowned and i managed to save myself,or more like someone saved me.hahaha..
I doesn't feel shit anymore..
I wont be shark's meal anymore.
See how much can a day change me,actually its more to like how a sentence can change me..

So, i m on holiday,easter holiday for one whole week,and i got nothing to do.
Actually i should study, and clean my room,but will do dat later.
I so can't wait for the day!!
The day that i will be goin back!!
The day when i can eat nasi lemak bahagia!!
The day when i can step on tanah Malaysia n on the land of Taiping.
The day when i can drive my car, with my green star hanging in it.
The day when i can breathe into the fresh air in Taiping.
okay,enough..

deep blue sea n is drowning n might die soon.

I just sunk my self into the deep blue sea.
I drowned myself, i jumped into the deep blue sea knowing that i might drowned but i still jumped.
and now i think i created the trouble myself, knowing that i myself is person that wont be satisfied the problem or trouble is growing bigger n bigger n i seriously hope history wont repeats itself, and if it does i will just be sharks' meal.
Why am i always falling in to deep shits again n again, will i ever learn my lesson.
i m the one that is always finding trouble lo,selalu suka sangat cari masalah, walaupun tidak ada apa.But i duno whether izit tidak ada apa or not wor,how..so i duno la!!!!!!!!
Life is short,so why must i complicate my life, i should have just live my life the way i have been living,and made my life easier,but instead i think i m making my life so hard for me to live.can i say i hate my life? i duno!!!what i know is..shit i dun want it to happen n dun even want to mention it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now i m having this mixed feeling that i m in deep shit! i m scared! i m worried! all the mixtures of negative feelings la!dang!dong!doink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tan ezen pergi matila..cissssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i m dead.
selamat tinggal dunia..aku akan mati sudah..

This is a part of my life where i feel down..like really really seriously down..down..

but still no matter how down my life is now,i m grateful..

cause i know that i am bahagia,and i cannot be more happier than now...
JUNE!JUNE!JUNE!..come fast..

My Life would Suck without you, so thank you for being in my life...

monday

I am relieved..yes,relieved for the day.

So i am one more week nearer to the day.yup,the day i have been waiting for since i come here.
Seven days nearer, tujuh hari lebih dekat.

friday the twenty seventh

I wanted to start bloggin about assignments n presentations, n i tell myself to just stop i have to many post on this already.

I was suppose to view,something today, but that is not going to happen.
n i wont b upset,i will just have to keep looking.
I've got internet at home!!! finally,that made my day,i can now go online using windows live messenger n not the web messenger,i can webcam can talk!!! excited like shit...super shakeena made that happen!!!

I had healthy breakfast today.
I can't wait for what i want to come,so many planning..so many ideas...
ekspidisi bahagia!!!!

week end

I feel bad for what i said n did,but i am happy.heehee.
Actually i didnt do anything, its just expressions of feelings.

Its a sunday,another week passed, i am a week nearer to the day.
Although its still quite long,but it is a week nearer, seven days nearer.
I am doing the right thing now i guess.

bersepah

I am better now.
Better as in i duno, just better.
So am i not good before this? or anything happen before this?
Nothing,i just feel like typing the phrase 'i am better',for what i don't know.

Uni so far, not bad but assignments n presentation n tests coming in.
So, its time to work hard,real hard eTyx.real hard..
Mid sem break is coming soon,which means mid term test is coming too.
So is time passing fast or slow? Sometimes it is quite slow but sometimes it is fast.

Do i live for the moment or i will do things that will benefit me in the future?
Past few months i live for the moment, n now i think i m doing things that sumtimes i dun like to benefit my future.
I have changed, yes eTyx have changed from time to time. N i realize i sometimes change back to the old me, mayb i m still experimenting.

I notice the things that i blog today,has no connection at all..

I m so so so super excited for the day that i will b goin back in June to come!
So the Day please come fast.

n i hope nothing happen n nothing menghalang my kebahagiaan anymore!

notice the song on my blog??

i love the song and am addicted to it..

kita bermain main...

semua bahagia semua bahagia..

kita berangan-angan..

semua bahagia semua bahagia..

hidup susah..senyum susah..

rasa syukur ini sukar dilupakan..

oh ku bahagia...

oh ku bahagia..

:-)

*This song makes me smile...

New Life

Today i am goin to blog about my life here in Joondalup, yes about my new life here.
It's been a month i m here i think. How do feel? I seriously don't know what i feel. Nola i know la

I feel independent, haha. Yes, i am independent. Manusia berdikari i am now.
I am away from home, alone in another country so somehow i have to be independent rite?
Here, we got to do everything by ourselves, like pay rent back home dont have to pay rent. Oh, so what if i forgot to pay my rent? Then i would be kicked out of the house,i better remember. eTyx better REMEMBER to pay ur rent. Other than that, i have to wash my clothes, fold them, wash dishes, clean my room, feed myself, find food for myself, cook, shop for groceries. I know it is actually not hard la,n its most of the things that one should b able to do,n yes i am able n i think thats a part of being independent. What else that is independent? Going to the atm machine or bank to get money, i don't think its independent la cause its not my own money. Oh,n i have to be more responsible now, that is of course la. I think that's about it.



I walk alot here,as i have no choice but to walk. I got no car, no scooter,no bicycle n yes there's public transport but i still have to walk,n on weekends no bus so walk more. I walk to uni and walk back home. I can actually catch a bus, but it will b healthier for me to walk so just walk.
So, i wake up get my self ready n walk to uni via the police academy. There is this mini lake in the P.A, and everytime i pass there i can see ducks swimming happily there. Usually on the way to uni i will only be able to see a few of them,but on the way home, thats the time when all the ducks come out for a swim i guess. I sometimes wonders where do they come from? There is this one day that all the ducks were like on land waiting for their turn to dive, i guess,n when i walk pass them they started to dive into the lake one by one, two by two, three by three n so on la..Nice to see ah..Hopefully there will be a duck diving show later.

This place is not bad afterall, its quite nice here. But still Taiping is better,n i so can't wait to go home. Home to where i belong, to where lake garden is to where Aey is waiting for me to go back n drive Aey. I miss driving my car. I wonder how is my car doing? Isit clean anot? Got ppl wash aey anot? Like will it miss me anot,maybe my car cried when i left,n still is crying but i didnt notice cos i was too kelam kabut to notice. Nvm when i m back i will go pujuk Aey..haha.yes, aku tak betul. Thats about it. I notice i m very cheong hei when i blog,but i like it that way.haha.
I know this is supposed to be about my new life,but missing my car n missing home is a part of my new life also wert,but who cares. Cukup,i m done.

Kesabaran.

I am thankful and very happy n of course very bahagia that my fire is burning.
It took so long for it to burn again,and its burning..finally..N it will keep burning n burning forever.
and i swear whoever that tried or gonna try putting out my fire i will chop them into gazillions of pieces, and i will not let anything or anyone do that again! i swear ppl.I swear! Aku Sumpah! eTyx swears!!! I will not let that happen again,once is more than enough.

The last time i blogged about patience is last last year??or last year??nvm..
Patience is they key, and now i have to b patience once again. I have no choice but to b patience until the day dat i will b going back comes...Can i? Even if i cannot ,even if i m impatient i have to b patient because,i have no choice but to b patience...
I just need to have a little patience,not little but alof of patiences.
Like everyone knows i m manusia impatient,so its not easy for me to b patience, but i actually am patience, and if i m not i m goin to be patience. Before this i had been patience for quite a long time but why is this time so hard for me?I duno what am i saying about..
Todays is just so not me,its not my day.

Kesabaran itula kuncinya. Aku terpaksa sabar,tiada cara lain.
Pengorbanan adalah mandatori,dan aku terpaksa bersabar sahaja.
ezenTyx bersabarla...

almost a month

Its been almost a month i m here already,time passes real fast rite?
Is it really fast or am i telling myself that it is fast so that june can come fast n i can go back like real fast too? I so can't wait to go back..
I like it here too,but stil home is always the best place. Taiping is still the best.
But then theres lots to do before June,like assignments,presentations,n tests n finals..
So better be fast everything.
Its march already,three months plus to go.

I wish i could do better by you,

Cause that's what you deserve

You sacrifice so much of your life

In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams

Sailing around the world

Please know that I'm yours to keep...

When you cry a piece of my heart dies

Knowing that i may have been the cause

If you were to leave

Fulfill someone else's dreams

I think i might toally be lost...

yes,i m finally here,for about a week d,in A land.
This place is nice,but i miss home.
IMUSM...
i miss my car..
i miss my bolster..
i miss ama..
i miss Taiping..
i miss my families..
i miss my friends..
i miss the foods..
i miss mi sua chicken soup..
i miss char kuey teow..
i miss roti telur..
i miss lok lok..
i miss my room..
i miss lake garden..
this list will go on n on n on..so i will stop it right here..

I m leaving in a few days time...
and after i leave i will b looking forward for JUNE...
Till then goodbye...

OMG

yes,omg..
my mother reads my blog.

Stone.Batu.

There is this heavy stone on my chest, as the day comes nearer the stone will b heavier.
I do not like this feeling.
This is something that most of us have to go through in life.
So just deal with it.
The first time i had this feeling was like two years ++ back, so ya this is the second time i m having this heavy stone on chest feeling.
I know i can deal with this, it just takes time. How long this time, i seriously don't know.
Hope it gets better in time...

you make me bahagia, i am lucky that i m able to b bahagia once more.
n So i will live this moment and try not to think so much about my 'the heavy stone on chest' feeling.

Aku terjaga malam semalam,dengan hati yang terasa amat berat...

Aku akan pergi.
Cuti yang berbulan2 lamanya kini tinggal beberapa minggu je lagi.
Memang berat hati saya untuk meninggalkan sini,
terutamanya pada masa2 begini...

Today is after all not that bad.

Today is not as great as how yesterday was.
What is all this.
Got blamed for fun?
cis!mck!mck!

Saya tak puas hati,
Wa bo kam muan,
Ngo em kam sam,
EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....I am super GERAM!
GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seventh January

I spend half of the day alone at home.
Onlining,
Smsing,
Talking,
Chatting,
Watching teevee,
and now Blogging.

Only four weeks plus and i m leaving, I still do not feel anything right now, Maybe because i haven't thought of it thoroughly yet, or more like doesn't want to think about it.
I hope i leave,happily no more dramas nothing more, and i hope that i would also come back happily end of this year without any dramas happening when i m not here...
I've gone through alot(to me it is to some others it might be nothing), to be BAHAGIA again...
n i hope nothing comes in between...

flashback

Goodbye 2008,
Happy New Year 2009 all.

Here it comes, Flashback of 2008 from me.
Two thousand eight started one year ago, n by the time i realize its going to be two thousand nine d.That is how fast two thousand eight was for me!

Well, 2008 was overall a good year for me i guess.
Finished my last two semester here, n had a long holiday till i start my 2nd year.
Goodbyes n Hellos.
Friends leaving n friends coming n i m leaving soon.
Had real Fun during Chinese New Year.
Baked, Fried, Cooked.
Tried out some new things.
Studied for exam real last minute.
Doing assignment real last minute n finished it just in time.
Slept only about an hour before exam,cause was copying notes the whole nite, n survived without falling asleep during exams.
Survived two semesters.
Stayed in Taiping for a long time,n enjoyed it so so so so so so so much.
Discovered SS.
Worked in a petrol station as the position of Cashier.
Earned some money for the first time.
Took the time to stare out of my window.
Enjoyed every holiday i had in Taiping.
Finally I am Bahagia...